Insights from Couples Therapy on how to invest in your relationship.
It feels good to be in love. We all want tobe in love, and most of us are willing to invest in our relationships at leastenough to feel good about them. But the importance of a secure relationshipgoes deeper than feeling good. Our need for connection is primal—and essentialfor our survival.
In fact, our need for connection is one ofour primary needs. In her book Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson, Ph.D.,psychologist, researcher, and founder of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapytells us that the need for connection is hard-wired into our nervous system.
The longing for connection with othersstems from a fundamental need for safety and security.
In modern society, our romantic partnershave become our strongest source of security. In some cases, our romanticpartners are our only source of security—all the more reason to invest in your relationship.
What’s more, while strong, secure social bonds result in longer, healthier lives, social isolation and relationship conflict increase our risk of a host of mental and physical disorders.
In short, separation hurts in a very real,very physical way. And, thanks to hormones like oxytocin and chemicals likedopamine released by our nerve cells, closeness feels like a high.
If secure relationships are essential for not only our emotional wellbeing but also our physical and mental health (our very survival), it may come as no surprise that good relationships are worth the investment.
What Is a Good (Secure) Relationship?
If you feel unsure if your romantic partnerbelieves in you, or will be there to support you, you will feel less confidentin pursuing personal and career goals. In particularly insecure relationships,partners may even feel unsafe emotionally and choose not to reveal their deeperself and their softer feelings to the other person.
Partners in a good relationship arecomfortable with closeness and with seeking support from each other.
You know your partner has your back. Youcan rely on them for support in times of need. This creates a sense of securityand safety, both emotional and physical.
You know that your partner has a listeningear for you or a shoulder to lean on if something should go awry. They willalso be there to celebrate with you when your endeavors go well.
Good relationships are also a safeenvironment in which to express fears and worries.
You are present and available to hear andsupport each other. You know you will not be shut down or ignored, but yourworries will be heard and validated, and your anxieties calmed.
As Dr. Johnson says, “When we feel secure,we can take risks, be creative, and pursue our dreams.”
Key Benefits When You Invest in Your Relationship
Developing a secure relationship takes investmentof time and willingness to work, but these investments have many benefits.
1. Resilience
Research has shown when two people areintimate, they affect and regulate each other’s physiological and emotional well-being(Levine, 2010). Physical proximity and availability of our intimate partnerinfluences how we respond to stress and reduces our perceptions of pain (Coan,2006).
Physical contact with a loved one also reducesanxiety. (Physical contact to demonstrate affection being one of the hallmarksof a secure relationship.) The availability of this contact affects a couple’sability to soothe each other’s difficult emotions and strengthens theirattachment bond.
Together, the positive mental and emotionaleffects of secure relationships make us more resilient to stress and eventrauma.
2. Independence and Confidence
In more than one study, researcher andprofessor of psychology Brooke Feeney has found that couples who feel moresecure in reaching out to their partners for support demonstrated greaterconfidence and independence. Partners in these secure relationships were moreconfident in solving their own problems, reaching their individual goals, andpursuing new opportunities (Carnegie, 2017; Feeney, 2007). In particular, youngprofessional women realized their career and professional goals faster thantheir peers in insecure relationships.
3. Higher Self-Esteem
When you feel good about your relationshipand secure in your connection with your partner, you also feel better aboutyourself. Researchers observed that partners picked more positive traits todescribe themselves when they also reported having a secure bond in theirrelationship (Johnson, 2008).
4.Better Able to Deal with Anger
With the baseof a solid relationship at your back, you are better at dealing with conflict.Disagreements arise and are overcome more quickly and easily because you havethe foundation of trust and openness. Couples who feel secure often experienceanger that is less intense, and have more tolerance for pain.
5. Better Able to Deal with Anxiety and Depression
Couples in strong relationships handlechronic tension of job or parenting stress better than couples struggling withrelationship insecurity. They have a place to come and express theirfrustrations and anxieties, which reduces the likelihood of experiencing deeper,more consuming mental health conditions. The connection in a good relationshipis also a protective factor against loneliness that can lead to depression.
6. Better Overall Health
Research has shown that partners who reportsatisfaction in their relationships demonstrate better heart health (Johnson,2008).
7. Longer Life
Close connection helps us stay healthierand live longer. With reduction of stress hormones like cortisol and betterheart health, it makes sense that married men and women live longer than theirsingle peers (Johnson, 2008).
When you invest in your relationship, you’re investing inyour emotional, mental, and physical health.
What Happens if You Don’t Invest in Your Relationship?
If partners start to distance from each other, they stop seeing each other’s hurt, and the relationship withers or fills with conflict. If you don’t invest in the health of your relationship, it can undermine your mental and physical well-being.
In insecure relationships, partners may notfeel safe enough to reveal their deeper thoughts and feelings to the otherperson, or to connect with them physically, which often means their sex lifesuffers.
If you feel unsure if your partner believesin you, or will be there to support you, you will feel less confident inpursuing personal and career goals. You won’t feel you can rely on them in timesof need.
You’ll feel alone and unsupported.
Having a partner who’s inconsistent intheir availability and support is demoralizing. It diminishes our emotional andprofessional growth and becomes a relationship that is full of conflict andcriticism. Partners in such relationships can end up living lonely, stressfullives without the emotional buffer of a partner they trust.
It doesn’t matter if you have reached yourexternal goals together, if you have the job, or the house, or the kids youwanted—if you don’t feel connected to one another, your basic needs are notbeing met, and it leaves you open to anxiety, depression, and related physicalailments.
The stress and impaired function resultingfrom unhealthy relationships is recognized as a public health problem,especially since the divorce rate is somewhere between 40-50% of all marriagesin the United States (Marriage & Divorce). More and more, research isshowing the aftereffects of negative relationships, and especially divorce, canbe long-lasting and severe.
How Negative (or Insecure) Relationships Impact Us
Poor Health, Depression, & Mental Distress
Research has shown that couples withinsecure attachment, or negative relationships, have poor immune response andheal more slowly (Johnson, 2008).
Marital discord and job strain also affectblood pressure. If you have a mild form of high blood pressure, being in asatisfying relationship is beneficial for your heart health. Spending time withyour partner, with whom you are close, lowers your blood pressure.
Not surprisingly, couples with relationshipissues also experience higher rates of anxiety.
If you’re not satisfied with your marriage,being close to your partner will raise your blood pressure, which will remainelevated as long as you are in physical proximity.
When we don’t feel close and comforted byour partner, when our basic attachment needs for closeness and safety are not met, we experience a chronic sense oftension and our physical health declines.
Conflict and criticism in a relationshipcan also trigger depression, and up to 45% of women in unhappy marriages reportfeeling depressed (Johnson, 2008). When a close relationship feels anything butclose, we hurt. This type of loneliness can lead to mental distress.
How to Invest in Your Relationship
We all want to be happy.
It’s clear that our relationship with ourpartner is key to our mental, emotional, and physical well-being and ultimatehappiness. But how do we ensure that our relationship will thrive?
We invest.
It’s common to invest in a new house, your education,a car, you name it—but we don’t invest enough in our relationships.
One of the best ways to invest in your relationshipis couples therapy.
Investing in Couples Therapy Pays Off
Research shows that over 70% of couplesthat attend Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) see improvement in theirrelationship.
Couples therapy requires dedication, oftime to attend sessions, the emotional effort and vulnerability of sharing withyour partner, and the cost of paying a qualified professional. But it pays off.
Think of it this way—couples therapy costsa lot less than your college education did. Or the house you live in, or therent you pay for your apartment. And you will see the benefits in yourrelationship, your sense of connection, your mental state, and your physicalhealth.
How toMake the Investment Successful
- Find a therapist with extensivetraining and experience
- Make sure they practice thetype of therapy you’re looking for
- Be open-minded
- Allow time for change to happen
Do You Wantto Invest in Your Relationship?
Dr. Irena offers online therapy for couples in Texas and New York City. She is a certified Emotionally Focused Couples therapist who has worked with numerous couples who wanted to invest in their relationships. She will help you rekindle your connection and rediscover the sense of security and strength of the bond between you.
References
- Carnegie Mellon University. (2017, August 11). Supportive relationships linked to willingness to pursue opportunities.ScienceDaily. Retrieved August 26, 2020 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/08/170811105806.htm
- Coan, J.A., Schaefer, H.S., & Davidson, R.J. (2006). Lending a Hand: Social Regulation of the Neural Response to Threat. Psychological Science, 17(12), 1032-1039
- Feeney, Brooke. (2007). The dependency paradox in close relationships: Accepting dependence promotes independence. Journal of personality and social psychology. 92. 268-85. 10.1037/0022-3514.92.2.268.
- Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight. New York, NY: Little, Brown Spark.
- Marriage & Divorce. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce
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